Achievable and measurable goals.

Not going to write much. Just want to set some 2018 goals and to have my January 2018 checklist ready.

In 2018...

I want, need, will keep my weight (ate a lot at year end holidays, but I am going back on track) - remember... eat all but eat less. Being thin is better than eating fried food! My ideal weight is between 63 and 64kg.

Use less the social medias. Be less connected. Tried it for a month and worked... but its so easy to go back to bad habits. Get back on the right path and use less Facebook, Instagram. Instead, read more. Can I do a book a month? :)

Keep my home organized. Unclutter. Don't buy useless things.

Be closer to my dear ones... my godsons and goddaughters... 

Sleep earlier. How?? TV and electronics off around 10pm. Get a book. 

Find another activity besides swimming.

JANUARY

- Check pilates - start or find something else

- Weight but be 64kg by the end of the month: avoid party food, less alcohol, do not open candies at home just for me, eat less quantity

- Organize magazines/ books/ papers/ plan finances to start 2018 fresh

- Organize purses

- Cook something new from my Peruvian cook book

- Spend less time on the internet

Under construction

Affff

Feeling weird. 

Why is that now that I am fiscally better, I start being annoyed by the emotional stuff, getting frustrated with things at work...Why things can't be balanced and calm for some time, just for a change?

Maybe Im just having a bad day... following a few disappointments, few nights that I didn't sleep well because of the time change, the upcoming business trip that I'll have to a great place, but that I' ll be accompanied by my ex-affair and co-worker.

I should focus on the exciting things... things are moving at work.. it's just that they are not moving as fast as I expected and as I promised to my "clients" it would. Im also going to travel to Buenos Aires, where I was actually planning on taking a few vacation days to go and now im going on business and will be able to spend the weekend. I love the feeling of the city. It just seems that the old things that used to make my mood better when I was feeling blue the same time last year, they are not working now. How can I find new things... why don't I find comfort on the things that used to make me feel good before?

Hope its just a really bad day. I know it is, but I can't help it now. 

I have the feeling that I should be doing something different of my life. Go live in Paris if thats what I really want. 

The Universe is being so good to me, making things happen, I feel its time for me to focus and act on the things I want, that they will happen. But what do I want?

I like writing because it makes me think about things and while im writing I start figuring out things. I guess I already said it here before. But its true... the issue is that I think faster than I type and I don't want to miss my " findings". So... what am I thinking now? I know why Im a bit frustrated and in a bad mood. Guys! 

I like to think that I do what I want, and I actually do, that its ok to get involved with Snow, for example... But then when he disappears or when things don't work out as I expected, it makes me feel worst. On Sunday 86 (yes, 86) didn't talk to me (I know, there was just a slight chance we would get coffee, but he didn't talk to me), then Snow didn't see my message (im even thinking he might have blocked me) and then today, I was supposed to met with Project but it didn't happen. Besides having to see E every day. I shouldn't let guys influence my mood that way. So should I just give it a break? Try being absolutely alone for some time? Stop even the online conversations with my guy friends? 

I get tired sometimes. I want to have someone with me... to sit and watch tv, to sleep together, to talk for hours, cook together, hold hands. It feels good... Things will happen, I know. And when its the right guy I will not feel that im losing my freedom, suffocated. It will just be IT. But Im getting tired of not having IT, of being satisfied with the wrong things, ...

I should try to connect more with myself and figure out what I really want. Does anyone actually accomplish that? To clearly see what we want?

I'll try, for 30 days.

Delete the social media. Don't initiate any conversations. Speak less on an everyday basis. Be silent and see hat I can listen.

Just for 30 days. Breath, meditate, take my time to do things. 

November 19th... let's see how it goes.

Trying to get things done... and a little planning.

Ok,,, this time I'm including things I've already done... but it's good to cross things from the " to do" list.

OCTOBER

- Define year-end trip

- Keep my weight - eat healthier - avoid party food

- Organize kitchen drawers and purses

- Invite some friends over for dinner or lunch

- Dining room furniture

- Choose a new book to read

- Spend less time on the internet

Under contruction

Yes. I did it again. I liked it, I don't feel bad about it and I wanna do it again. Does it make me a bad person? 

Getting to be with Snow again last night made me think about myself and my behavior in regards to men. Being with him yesterday was just what it was. Being together, having a good time. I didn't think about his life out of it, if we would see each other again (I know we will), what kind of impact us being together could have in my life and in his. Nothing. I wanted to be there and he did too... so there we were again. 11 years since it started, as he told me.  

I know him... he's cute, polite, is good at his job... his smell, his touch, his kiss... everything is very familiar and gives me a sense of confidence and comfort that I was missing these past months. But should I think more about it before I dive deeper again? I remember I was in love last time. But I don't remember any pain... just the good things from the past... and the pain that he has taken away from me. I don't want to think more about it. I didn't spend the day thinking abut him and that feels good. I was overthinking my relation with the Young guy (let's call him Y) all the time when we were together and... what for? I ended up not doing things because of him... Like not going out in Rio just to wait for him to wake up so we could chat. I missed him, I thought about him all the time, I made plans, I wanted him with me, I was changing my trip dates for him, thinking of affecting my career for him... and at the end, even if I had done all those things and more, the result would be the same.

So... overthinking, over investing, over expecting... this is what I need to avoid and it seems that men like Snow make it possible. I know what to expect from them. I get exactly what I expect, so I feel good. But thinking just about what I want, and taking it, does it make me selfish? I don't even know the other. Well ... and should I think about what I really want too? Do I want to get just what I'm getting? Does being with Snow get in my way of maybe "finding what I'm looking for, even though I don't even know what it is" ?

Here I am, starting to overthink when I don't want to. But.. since I am at it, let me raise another question. Well... Im thinking about the question before I type and I think I already figured out the answer. So that one was easy. Just to make things clear for my future me. The question was why am I able to " just be" with Snow, but I didn't follow that path with Y? And I know why... it's because even if he was much younger, if we worked together and that I had never thought about being with him before....he was there, he was single, he came to my house and cooked for me, he was polite, caring and he covered me in bed at night. He seemed to want something and I thought I could want that too. And then I did, but he didn't. That's the answer and this is a text with too many "think"s and  "thought"s.

Thinking is good, Alice... just not too much. 

More to come.

Final comment about my proposed checklist from the previous post: Did part of it, so I'm happy. Not stretching that much anymore and didn't learn anything new about the laptop or refugees... But I am focusing on the important dossiers at work and I'm sleeping around 11:30 most nights (not bad). I also meditated several days, including today! The hourly checklist... forget about it. Not for me!  

Monthly checklist... to get things done!

Trying to put together a realistic checklist and in line with my previous post (health, emotions and work)... Today is Wednesday and Im going back to work on Friday. I really need to start and finish things!

Checklist:

- stretch at least twice a day (according to the doc, I can only go back to regular activities 30 days after the surgery)

-  go to sleep in a reasonable time (this is hard!)

- meditate using the apps Ive already downloaded. Last time I did it for real I felt that it helped to make me more centered, confident

- focus on priorities - get the big "dossiers" that I have at work going. Try to look at them more positively. Lately I just look them as bothers and I think that why things don't move as they should

- really think of focusing on my career. What do I want?

- learn more about how to use my laptop

 - get a bit more information on volunteering with refugees (in my own town and abroad)

Maybe I should have a daily schedule to review and accomplish things.

So... 

8-9 am - meditate and stretch

10:30 - 12:30 - work ONLY on the important things

2-3 pm - take 1 hour at work after lunch to study, take a training, read and focus on career related matters

9-10pm - before sleep - search volunteering and laptop

C'est parti!