Yes. I did it again. I liked it, I don't feel bad about it and I wanna do it again. Does it make me a bad person? 

Getting to be with Snow again last night made me think about myself and my behavior in regards to men. Being with him yesterday was just what it was. Being together, having a good time. I didn't think about his life out of it, if we would see each other again (I know we will), what kind of impact us being together could have in my life and in his. Nothing. I wanted to be there and he did too... so there we were again. 11 years since it started, as he told me.  

I know him... he's cute, polite, is good at his job... his smell, his touch, his kiss... everything is very familiar and gives me a sense of confidence and comfort that I was missing these past months. But should I think more about it before I dive deeper again? I remember I was in love last time. But I don't remember any pain... just the good things from the past... and the pain that he has taken away from me. I don't want to think more about it. I didn't spend the day thinking abut him and that feels good. I was overthinking my relation with the Young guy (let's call him Y) all the time when we were together and... what for? I ended up not doing things because of him... Like not going out in Rio just to wait for him to wake up so we could chat. I missed him, I thought about him all the time, I made plans, I wanted him with me, I was changing my trip dates for him, thinking of affecting my career for him... and at the end, even if I had done all those things and more, the result would be the same.

So... overthinking, over investing, over expecting... this is what I need to avoid and it seems that men like Snow make it possible. I know what to expect from them. I get exactly what I expect, so I feel good. But thinking just about what I want, and taking it, does it make me selfish? I don't even know the other. Well ... and should I think about what I really want too? Do I want to get just what I'm getting? Does being with Snow get in my way of maybe "finding what I'm looking for, even though I don't even know what it is" ?

Here I am, starting to overthink when I don't want to. But.. since I am at it, let me raise another question. Well... Im thinking about the question before I type and I think I already figured out the answer. So that one was easy. Just to make things clear for my future me. The question was why am I able to " just be" with Snow, but I didn't follow that path with Y? And I know why... it's because even if he was much younger, if we worked together and that I had never thought about being with him before....he was there, he was single, he came to my house and cooked for me, he was polite, caring and he covered me in bed at night. He seemed to want something and I thought I could want that too. And then I did, but he didn't. That's the answer and this is a text with too many "think"s and  "thought"s.

Thinking is good, Alice... just not too much. 

More to come.

Final comment about my proposed checklist from the previous post: Did part of it, so I'm happy. Not stretching that much anymore and didn't learn anything new about the laptop or refugees... But I am focusing on the important dossiers at work and I'm sleeping around 11:30 most nights (not bad). I also meditated several days, including today! The hourly checklist... forget about it. Not for me!