2019 is here... and so am I.

Almost a month that Mr. M and I have broken up.... I am a bit better every day... but still very sad. 

Tears come to my eyes every now and then... sometimes out of nowhere.. Sometimes I even feel sorry for him. Keep thinking how he is, how was his New Year, what's he doing by himself these past days....

But then I think of how he had been treating me... what he said to me.... the way he looks at his new Instagram profile picture. He looks like a bad person. He has been mean to me. And it hurts me to think that he is fine... and that I am here suffering for everything. 

I know I have to move on. I saw that when we were together and he said he had deleted his Social media, that he kept a "secret account"... just for photographs... ok... but why secret? What else was he faking? Maybe everything. Maybe he never loved me... but I did. It was real to me and it hurts to think that I gave my heart so easily for someone that promised me the world... but sent me to hell. Ok, ok... I'm being too dramatic, maybe... but it is so, so sad that he could so easily dispose of me... 

Será que ele sofreu? Que ele pensa em mim? Por que quero saber isso? Enquanto eu comia o pão que o diabo amassou em outubro, ele portava fotos na conta secreta dele... e trocava comentários... "thank you, dear"... E eu com meu coração esmagado, sofrendo, chorando, sem comer, sem dormir, angustiada, assistindo todos os episódios do Friends pra fazer tudo sumir... E eu que era pra ser a sua querida... ele era pra ser o meu amor. 50 anos de aviso prévio... pra sempre. Amor da vida. Trem passando. 

Queria saber o que me entristece tanto... Pra curar... pra fazer parar de doer... 

Definitely have to stop trying to care... tentar saber, ver... Eu tava indo bem. Bem melhor. E tudo isso hoje me deixou triste. Me fez chorar.

Tantas coisas boas na minha vida... e esse idiota não pode me roubar mais tempo. 

Vazio... tristeza.... chega!